Interview continued
Q. Yesterday you said you were a warrior, why do yoiu think that is?
A. it's not that my struggles are less or more then everyone elses. My circumstances have a common ground with a lot of people. I think merely being able not being weak and fall into certain expected traps, that one could find themselves. i,e depression, drugs, crime and so on.
Q. Is these books to show men , who are the dominant ones?
A. Not excatly
Q. What do you mean
A. well I think, one would think it was about a domination movement. But its an ispiring way to show women that they are strong and it was my life story playing in a fantasy. Not that I was an elven queen. Like I said I can I.D. myself in most of characters. It about what women can accomplish, without the hand of man. On the flip side it's what men desire. a few men love weak women and most of them pry on them.Men really like strong women. I know Ken loved me the best when I was not playing the damsal in distressed.
Personal question
Q.Are you ever going to love again after Ken
A. I don't know at this moment I ever could. I would like to have a friend. But not a serious envolement with anyone . I don't think that is going to be possible. My love for ken stretched outside the earthly realm. I don't think I can have that kind of attachment again. Nevermind living with someone. But you know if the kind the man I need,( and I have a strong connection with) walks in, I am not going to shut the door.
Q. what about friends?
A. I mostly I have facebook friends. When Ken was alive , Ken had a friend and I don't know I never got along with them. Mostly because toward the end my feeling was Ken was spending to much time with them and not enough with me. Ironically I want to be closer. Kevin is my only link to Ken I have. Kevin was Kens very best friend in the whole world. I am gratful for that. At least Ken had someone.
Q. what do you mean by that?
A. imo, Kens family except for his cousin and maybe his sister Sandy, and by there own actions they really did not love him at all. For reasons I believe and would rather not make it known.
Q. was there bad blood between you and Kevin and his brothers?
A. at first with Kevin, Ken would have a better time with Kevin than I felt he did with me and the children and it angered me. ken and I would have blow outs about Kevin and another person, mostly towards the end. I was very protective of Ken. because again imo, nobody took care of him. He took care of everyone else. as for his brothers not at first. I was friends with them first and they protected me from my x-husband and the abuse I was going through. But they blamed me imo, for Ken leaving them. He was 47 when he left them. It was time. Ken and his family, but imo, he suffered more when his own mother died then anyone else. I think he even suffered more then I did when my mother died. But to be fair they all suffered and for some reason unknown to me .The brothers he lived with did not want him to be happy.
Q. what about the father of your older three children?
A. Jeff to me is like a brother, a brother that I have not heard from in three months and that is fine. He has a wonderful wife Jean and I could not have pick a better stepmother for the older three than her. as for him we were young and we made alot of mistakes . My mistake was I was not able to handle myself as well I as could of. But like I say in my book whats past is past, move on. Something Ken would say.
Q. So tell me about Ken
A. Ken to me was a god ( not thee God) but to me he was my everything. He was strong and handsome and very loving at times. He could get very angry at times to, but never laid a hand on me. We used to like drop on each other literly and sometimes he would hold me so tight that I felt like he was my sheild. His was strong and his skin was soft and we were just magic. No one on the out side really knew how he was. Because Ken always had this mask on and a wall built around him. I saw him for what he really was a truely loving human being. This world has lost a lot now that he died. He did not like that one bit.
Q. what kind of things would Ken do (in happier times)
A. They were all happy years. There were definally struggles. He did not want to get involed with me at first because I was married to doug. But I convinced him it was in name only and I was only comitted to him. I met Ken in Nov. 08 he and is brothers moved into the otherside of our duplex. He asked if he could park his durango in our drive way. and I would sit in bathroom window and talk to him while he was cleaning his car. Then there was few months I did not see him. I was busy with school. But in the spring of 09, my marriage was definially ending. and weather Ken was in my life or not I was leaving doug. I had enough of the abuse. Um, His brothers stepped in and protected me from doug and often would spend time with the kids next door. We just fell in love. we would make out on the picnic table, and one time he took me to emergency room and we were just talking and loving the time we had together. At know time , until I threw doug out did I ever have sex with him. In June of 09 he moved in.
We started off very happy and in love. But then the nonsense started with the brothers . Early that spring Ken accused me of giving him a gesture and he was soooooo wrong about that. he started yelling at me, I started crying and we both knew. He never admitted, but I believed he was in love with me before I was even that heavily involed with him. By the fall of 2010 we decided to move out, for various reasons. Our old landlord , his wife died and his snubby fake daughter in law started making unreasable demands. It was like prison. Ken's brother saw us an enemy because Ken had hurt himself, he fell down the stairs and he was out of work for three months. So he was unable to help pay there rent. His brothers did not like that. so we left and I never till this day only once spoke to his family. so we moved on.
Q. Tell me about the Night of Good friday april 6, 2012
A. it was not an unusaul night, I had gone to walgreens and got easter baskets for the kids. I know now I was feeling a little weird it was that kind of day. I know Ken (now) had spoken to Kevin that morning saying that Pat and Kev wanted us to go to Florida had to come to floridia and Ken said "Oh Kristen won't because of the flying thing. I hate flying. He had come home and he played with the kids. He loved kids but he was changing and he was so unhappy the last week of his life. As I walked out he was wearing his red checkered coat and had his hat and glasses on and wrestling with Jacob and amber playfully. I had a dream two months , Prior I kid you not, and it might be still on FB, that I dreampt he died and I woke up crying, and he said it was only a dream and he held me tighter. and of corse "Don't worry about it, I am going to out live you."
I had come back and he was on the computer in the bed room and I went on the computer in the living room. Then the kids went to bed gave him Kisses and Hugs and they went to bed. He got up and had cimmon toast crunch for a snack, and I went enjoyed our new bed watching T.V.
we argued about what I was watching because he did not like that show, so he went to the bathroom. This was about 11 pm or so. Then I heard a bang and I paused the show and at first I thought it was the kids. I yelled and said cut it out. But then I heard moaning. and I saw him half naked on the floor in the bathroom. I asked whats wrong, and I grabbed his ciggarette that was hanging off the vanity half smoked. Took a drag and put it in the ashtray as I pick up the phone and called 911. Not realizing it was a cell CPS (connecticut state police) answered, and they routed my phone call to where I lived. In seconds they were here, at the house. all I could see was his eyes bulging out, I think he was trying to say something, but no last words to me.
Q.what were you feeling at the time?
A.I cannot descibe it excatly, but to say I was kind of having a out of body experience myself. I heard the Nebulizer going and I thought oh gee thank god in was an asthma attack. I was numb and they were peppering me with questions. Ken did not have health insurance and did not complain. He had headaches and I did not think of it at the time. They brought him out in the gerney and at that time I now believe he was dead. But I did not know that at the time. The police kept me in the living room. The kids were asleep and I believe my mother was there and there guardian angels keeping them that way. Safe from any emotionial trauma. It could have been worse.
I was being asked to call someone and I was trying to find someone but everyone was asleep. Kevin was out of town and tried him , but we a had a fight the week prior so he did not answer, and I thought that was why. I finally got in touch with Kens sister and asked the police to inform his othere sister and his brothers.
Um I thought you he might need his glasses, but they told me probably not. I told him I loved him as he left our house for the last time. I waited a half an hour on and off the phone with his cousin Mark from vermont and then I decided to call the hospital. I was going to go back to bed. The kids were still asleep and I figure he call me in the morning to pick him up. So I was going back and forth about going to the hospital or even calling and after they left I was kind of afraid to. so I called and they said it was bad. I am like how bad, he just had a heart attack that is what I thought, I remeber saying. But because I was not his wife they could not tell me. So I had Sandy his othere sister meet me at the hospital . I drove to Suffield where my father lived with the kids and I started praying hard and driving fast to my dads. it was about a twenty minute drive.
I was saying the lords prayer all the way, but I already knew he was gone. I arrived at my dads walking into his house calling him by his first name, which I never did and he came out of the bedroom , not knowing why I was hysterical. he then drove me to Bay-state the closest hospital to us.
when I got there the doctor told me he suffered a brain hemmerage and there was no hope. As well as a heart attack. I was a hysterical as someone could get. I was literly on the floor. I knew I could not stand. I sat in icu waiting hoping they could find away . But they said he was only living on a respirator. It was in that waitng room that I had the biggest chill of my life and I knew then he was really gone. factionially. But my mind could not wrap itself around it. I saw him in the bed after long walk down the hallaway and I lost complete control. The nurses wanted to get me a wheel chair. Life as I knew it, the love that I had was gone.
I ended up leaving the kids at my dad and I stop at his brothers house and they did not believe me, so I went home. it felt like I was bashed against a wall by car a few times. I still could not imagin this happening. I felt Kens preasence and I knew he was upset to. I tried calling Kevin several times and there daughter reconized the fact I was trying to reach them and they called. Kevin and Pat was just as devasted as I was.
I still feel numb, I don't know I just don't understand how I felt or how I still feel. its like being the only one running around naked. Without Ken . I never went to sleep that day. I called our friend and she said wtf, she was just has surprised to.
Q. do you still feel his preasence?
A. every now and then, it has gotton less in time. But I am in this universe a alternate reality. I just still say I just don't know anymore. I also believe my mother kept the kids asleep. Nobody wanted then to see Ken the floor. It was a great loss, so much I feel that my soul is the only part left of me. and its scared. And it is a constant reminder of what I loss. I want a chance to speak to medium about this. I have so many questions I need answers to. I feel like I walk around like a ghost myself. so ask who is the ghost him or I.
Q. so brings me to my next question Spiritally who are you
A. well I believe in god and jesus, but not going to church. Church to me is social function to learn othere peoples interpretations of god. I believe the bibles is only full of half truths some sects want us to believe. Um I don't completly disreguard it, but I don't believe it is completly true, nor do I think its true. Back then thats all they did was write. anybody could make up a good story for people to believe and use it to there advantage. I cut and paste paragraphs all the time. I am not a strong believer in marriage, even before I got married. To me it is a life long leash. Unless you have someone you have alot in common with.
I believe in spirits, but I have not seen any, it does not mean they don't exist. I have a talent for writing othere people have talents for othere things. I believe in it all. I studied the bible, and about angels and about spirits long before Ken or my mother died. But I still seek answers. And what is stopping me from healing is not getting them.